Saturday, July 2, 2011
Great video reflects my day yesterday
The rejections -I am use to. Lack of status on this country, well more like unaccepted status has put me in many moments where I have been rejected for projects, internships, jobs, etc. I know this , I am use to it. Watching this video I realize that I have numbed off that feeling of being unaccepted feeling rejected feeling disappointed feeling sad. I treat it as something I should know ( know it's outcomes), and not aiming high because I know that those internships and jobs and opportunities are not meant for me because of my status. Yesterday I got caught off guard, I should have known , I should have known.
Earlier this week I went for an interview for this internship for the summer. Amazing dope internship. I rocked the interview. I felt I will get it. And I did. From the beginning I was honest about being undocumented. And they welcomed it. They said they would work with it. I got a call on Thursday , I was told I was accepted. I was ecstatic. I will have something great to do this summer, more so I was happy my qualifications were accepted regardless of my status as I was told. I planned out my outfits to wear next week since that is when the internship was going to start. I told my mom, told my aunt, my partner and friends and they were happy for me. I was happy for myself. I was told to drop of some stuff off at their office the next day ( Friday). Early in the morning straight out the hospital,which I had been there since 7:30 am with my mom for a DR appointment, I headed to their office. I dropped of the stuff they requested and filled out some papers they needed me to fill out. Before I left they told me to be on time on Tuesday at 10 am , and I told them I was looking forward to it.
4-5 hours later they call me up. I was just coming out the train station on Wall Street heading to see a friend. I stand there facing this American flag (huge hanging off a building) and I hear "Sorry we cant give you the internship spot. You are one of the best candidates, it pains us to tell you this, we couldn't work out it out for your status, blah blah blah"...............see I have been used to this and that is why I don't apply for stuff that requires citizenship or legal residency. But this time I was told from the start, that it was open to people like me. I was caught off guard and words that I hate hearing "sorry" "your status" " we apologize" "can't" ....I had put myself in a vulnerable position and I was hurt. One more time, and not the last time, an opportunity was taken away from me because of my status. Even if I qualified, even if....and I broke down. In the middle of Wall Street..I cried. I cried and cried as tourist and cops passed me. As that American flag flaunted its colors in-front of me. This is something that I wanted so bad, and was looking forward to...something that was taken away after being accepted because well I was undocumented.
I don't want to hear that crap "it was meant to be", I don't want to hear " that is why you gotta keep fighting" ...I just needed to hear "that was fucked up, they shouldn't have lead you on"....I wanted to be hugged.
The person that called me apologized, and told me sweet nothings. I wasn't prepared nor was expecting to be rejected. But it happened. I sat there looking at the flag and as tourist took pictures of it. I wonder would any of them take pictures of me, would any of them care if I told them what had just happen. That flag wrapped its colors around my dreams and choked it,and those white stars stabbed my hopes. I find it interesting how this happens around 4th of July.
But back to the video. We just stay so busy so the truths of our lives doesn't catch up. I numb off the crying, the feeling of pain and devastation, I numb sorrow and sadness. Yesterday caught off guard I couldn't numb and as hurt as I was, I was happy to cry. Sometimes as leaders we need to be strong and be in control and be a role model. And that to us translates " be strong " "don't cry" "don't feel" ...and in the work we do ...feeling all the things we do and experience and see and hear would be too much....I would need boxes and boxes of tissues with the work I do , with the work we do. And the video is right numbing sorrow/disappointments/pain/sadness also numbs joy/happiness/laughter.
After the call, after crying I talked to a dear friend and he made me laugh. I walked over to my friend and there I laughed. Today I woke up cried some more and laughed and smiled more. The balance of those things makes me feel , makes me know I am surviving and growing.
Thank you to those that held me even if it was through phone, twitter, and to those that held me physically and whose words lifted my spirit.